July 8
Ash Patel-Brown is now on an eight-day streak. COW24’s new meteorologist has accurately predicted the weather eight days in a row, an unthinkable feat that has never been attempted until now. One can say she’s taking the meteorology world by storm. This is John Maynard reporting for XYMN from Boston, MA.
July 10
Sir, the viewers are irate! We are getting more phone calls, letters, and emails than we’ve received about any story or subject we’ve covered in the twenty years I’ve worked here. People are confused. They’re angry. They have no idea what to do with accurate weather forecasts. An elderly couple got soaked because they left their umbrellas at home—Ash had predicted rain. They’re threatening to sue the station, and Ash because she’s changing the old way of doing forecasts. Others are upset that we’ve made their lives more predictable and boring. Today we received a letter from Congressman Jordan’s office. He plans on launching an investigation into Ash’s liberal education and elite credentials. By the way, he’s also threatening to subpoena all of our internal correspondence.
July 12
Ash, consider this your first warning. This station has a long and storied history. While we appreciate your work ethic and commitment, you are changing too many things, and too fast. First, you insisted on ditching the traditional blue/black/gray suits for dresses and then last Thursday, you wore a print! On air! I’m surprised we haven’t been targeted by the Epilepsy Foundation. But really, for Pete’s sake… Haha, get it? I’m Pete!… Haha, anyway, you have to bring inaccuracy back to the forecasts. People are not ready for change. Nosireeebob, they are not. It has to rain when none is predicted. It should be sunny when you forecast a storm. You can’t mess with traditions!
July 13
Are you kidding me? That witch predicted a sunny day and it’s fucking sunny! I already cut the patio servers thinking it will rain. Now the guests are complaining they have to sit outside on a beautiful day when they were expecting to be told patio seats weren’t available due to rain. Goddamnit! I’m going to have to put on an apron and serve the cranky beasts myself!
July 15
Dear Asha,
This is to inform you that the Meteorologists Association & Glaciologists of America is suspending your membership. You have brought disrepute to our noble profession with your “revolutionary” practices. Scientific theories and fact-based predictions have no place in our modern world. We are also worried that you will lend credence to climate change believers and socialists. Please return your official ID and weatherman’s raincoat at your earliest convenience. Sincerely,
Donald Goodwin
President, MAGA
July 16
Yes, Ma! I’m going to stop thinking so much…
…Yes, I want to keep my job.
…Of course, I want a husband and family someday.
… I threw out my analysis. I’m going to predict a snowstorm… Yes, exactly. It’s July, I can’t possibly be right.
…I’ll give them what they want. Don’t worry. Give Dad a kiss for me.
July 18
This is John Maynard reporting for XYMN from Boston, MA. A freak snowstorm is causing panic around New England. Sub-zero temperatures have been recorded throughout the region. At grocery stores, shelves have been emptied of bread and milk while other retailers are struggling to meet demand for Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas decorations.
A growing chorus of voices is blaming this anomaly on meteorologist Asha Patel. In the House of Representatives, a bipartisan resolution condemning Patel for her hysterical behavior has over 400 cosponsors. Station owners offered no comments but sources close to COW24 President Eric Murdoch Jr. confirmed that the station has already launched an internal investigation into the veracity of Asha Patel’s birth certificate.
July 20
Asha Patel was seen wearing a tan suit.
July 22
Comedian Bob Whitefellow was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom for his critically acclaimed skit featuring an interview with an Asha Patel mask made to look like a severed head.
July 24
Extradition proceedings against Asha Patel grind to a halt after the mayor of Jacksonville, FL refused to acknowledge her birthright city-zenship. Patel has already been declared a persona non grata by the state of Florida. State lawmakers in the Sunshine State are filing emergency legislation to replace teaching about slavery with a course on the horrific failings of Asha Patel.
July 30
Asha Patel offered a tearful apology for being a woman, brown, scientist, and anything else that might have caused offense to the American people.
At a hastily scheduled competing press conference in the parking lot of a Hobby Bobby, former presidential candidate and retired American hero, Rudolph Plump urged Americans to reject Asha Patel’s apology.
July 31
Breaking news: Asha Patel’s emails were leaked to the media by an anonymous Danish activist. Among other gems, the emails revealed that Patel had turned down offers to appear in the next season of the Indian Matchmaker as well as Bravo’s hit reality show Idle Women of Jacksonville.
August 1
LGBT+ activists are alarmed by Patel’s Bravo snub.
August 2
Young Republicans and Democrats voice concern and confusion over Patel’s use of a Hotmail email address.
August 3
MEN365 reports that Asha Patel has been granted asylum in Afghanistan. Patel told MEN365 reporter Mitchell Crank that she is looking forward to feeling safe again and to the anonymity granted by being wholly excluded from public life and employment opportunities.
August 15
Sen. Warren Liz cast the lone vote against bombing Afghanistan for harboring Asha Patel.
August 30
COW24 President Eric Murdoch Jr. announced that Kandi Kardashian has been selected to replace Asha Patel as the Chief Meteorologist for the station. “I hope that Kandi’s appointment helps us turn the page on the recent controversy. The American people are ready to move on,” Murdoch said in a statement released by the company.
It seems that people on the street agree with Murdoch. Our intrepid reporter John Maynard checks in with the people.
“I’m just bored of the whole thing. It’s time to talk about things that matter. Did you see Kandi’s TikTok reel?” Brittany Lavoie, Burlington.
“I don’t even know where Afghanistan is.” Matt Mattson, Portland.
“I’m sick of the media’s gotcha questions. No, I cannot spell the name of that place.” Farah Malin, Juneau.
“They need to have better special effects and actors if they want us to care about the war.” Loren Hobert, Graspen.
This is John Maynard reporting for XYMN from Boston, MA.
